I mentioned a few entries ago that I'd be staying with my aunt and grandma for the weekend. As usual, I enjoyed the drive to Cali on Saturday and had a great time seeing my family. We planned to stop and see some of Rey's family the next morning before heading back home, but I woke up in the early hours knowing that something was very wrong.  My aunt gave us directions to the nearest ER, and Rey tore down the empty streets of the city at twice the allowed speed limit in order to get me there.

The pain was becoming unbearable by the time we hit the parking lot, and as I made my way inside I felt something happen to my body, something that made me realize there was no hope for the baby.

Checking into the ER was a nightmare. The front nurse and receptionist were far too concerned with proper procedure to actually listen to me, and I most likely fell into shock as I waited for my turn to get admitted. Not that they could have done much of anything aside from easing my pain, in cases like this nature has to run its course. I fought off fear and extreme nausea once I made it to a bed, waiting for a doctor to show up and give the ok for Rey to join me. I tried not to notice the alarming amount of blood I was losing as they warned me that I might need a transfusion, and my head rocked back and forth in anguish as they held back on giving me pain meds since it was possible I needed to be prepped for surgery.

I'd never been in so much pain. At some point the morphine they injected wasn't enough, so they switched to something much stronger. After several doses I was warned it was enough to potentially shut down my respiratory system, but luckily the pain started to subside soon after. They kept me in the hospital for a few days since there was still a chance I needed surgery, but my body seemed to be taking care of itself properly so they let me go with the information that none of this was my fault. It's common for the first pregnancy to end like this, and it's likely that my next one will be fine. I'm not sure how much that helps me emotionally right now, but at least I'm ok. I'm staying at my grandma's house for the remainder of the week. I'm being well taken care of here, right down to being given home made chicken noodle soup and cookies. I'm looking forward to going back home though where I can return to the comfort of my own bed and contact with the outside world (no internet here so I'm pains-takingly typing this through my phone).

Sigh . . . I've been told I didn't deserve to go through this, but really, no one does. It's just an unfortunate part of life. I'll always be left wondering what would have been if this little one could have made it . . . and I just cannot put it into words.

Anyway, I wanted to thank everyone for their kind words between this and losing Koji; while it's been an extremely difficult time, I do know I still have a lot to be thankful for.

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I'm not bad, I just draw that way.