I occasionally look back to a drawing I did in March of 2006 that I entitled "Better Days." I knew nothing of the comic I eventually became hooked on of the same name, but a certain Goo Goo Dolls song was playing a lot on the radio and the lyrics struck a chord within me.



It's a cringe-worthy piece to look back on now as I was still quite rusty from my drawing hiatus, but the message and memories behind it still speak to me. I was losing touch with a good friend and fought constantly with the wavering boyfriend I had at the time, and it seemed no matter how hard I tried it felt as though everything I loved was slipping through my fingers. I found myself falling deep into depression, missing the family I'd lost and vaguely wondering if I'd have somewhere to go if I ever found the strength to leave him. All I really did want were those "better days," and with no one to count on in my personal life, I turned more and more to my online friends for distraction, comfort, and even support. And a strange metamorphosis occurred: those new friends made me realize I deserved much more than what my soon-to-be ex was giving me, and more importantly, what I'd given myself credit for.

I feel a bit of fear and embarrassment even now when I recall the struggle I went through before and after breaking it off with him. He became increasingly irrational and dependent over time, an eventual alcoholic that enticed me to drink away my misery as well. Big mistake on my part but I eventually broke away from the habit. And after the break up, he refused to give me the money he owed and left me with not only a pile of bills, but a foreclosure notice. My online friends came to the rescue and saved me from losing my house while I struggled with getting my car fixed and finding a new job. That showing of kindness and generosity is something I'll never forget.

I'd also found my soul mate in , one of those online friends, and desperately hoped that the long-distance relationship we had formed would soon end with us closing in on the thousands of miles that separated us. I gave up practically everything to be with him once we were able to afford our own place and haven't regretted a moment of it.

I believe Rey has made me a stronger person, but I still find myself stumbling. I think it was close to year after moving that I was finally able to interest myself in drawing again, as I attempted to recover from some long-standing issues of self-doubt and found it hard to adapt to all of the changes. But despite any difficulties it just felt right to be with him, plus it was comforting that all my online friends were there for the ride.

I guess that made it all the more difficult when I sort of had a falling out with one of my closest online friends late last year, but the less said about it, the better. I took a break from one of my "home" sites to let go of the sadness and anger caused by the situation. I've since heard that I either made a huge mistake or outright abandoned the place, but I refuse to believe that. As much as I gained there as both an artist and a person and as much as I loved my friends there, I had no obligations to keep and the break did me a world of good. Besides, my real friends knew where to find me (like here). I was eventually happy to return a couple of months ago, feeling healed and ready to make a fresh start. And what a good feeling it is.

I know it's such an easy thing to say in retrospect, but had to have been one of my favorite online friends. I'm sure many of you saw my previous journal entry from April, when I felt I'd worried long enough about his disappearance and dug around different sites in hopes of locating him.

Instead I was directed to an article from early November that covered his untimely death.

It hit me pretty hard. To think of all that had happened since that moment, to know that I was stressing over what amounted to be petty things in those past few months . . . all that time my friend was dead and I didn't know it. He was only in his thirties, always had a positive attitude, and never got involved in any of the stupidity we typically refer to as online drama. It seems so horribly unfair to have lost him.

He was one of those that cheered me up during those crazy days of living with my ex. Later on as well, when I was living alone and struggling to make ends meet or trying to feel out the new life I'd made where I am now. Your mind does crazy things when you grieve, and as I struggled to find closure I lamented several times that I never took the chance to let him know what his friendship had meant to me.

Just a few days ago I stumbled across a message he sent out last summer to thank me for nominating him as the JAB member of the month. Wow, I'd totally forgotten about that. My reply was still there as well, me just letting him know I always thought he was a fun, cool guy and that I'd appreciated his friendship more than he'd likely ever know.

So wow, I did get a chance to tell him after all. Thank god for that. And it just . . . makes you think? Makes you wonder? How much time do we have left on this earth, and how time much do we really take to appreciate the good things we have? I've been to the absolute bottom, and I believe it makes me appreciate where I am now all the more. I still miss Doc and many other people in my life, but they wouldn't want me to be sad forever. Life goes on and we have to make the most of it.

Since then I've often pointed out something that Doc said in his last journal entry here, "So be cool mein friends and save the anger for the important things. life's too short." Indeed it is, and maybe we can all see things from a new perspective. I get tired of the petty drama I've been involved with in the past and perhaps all this has changed me for the better.

Anyway, I do believe that I've found those "better days" that I was longing for all that time ago. I've been feeling unusually calm in the past few months and have had more creative energy than ever. Life can be good, and I truly believe that things can only get better from here.